Sunday, December 11, 2011

One year is almost down and I have a lifetime to go.

This has been the most life changing year of my life.

Having a child calls for so much, saying I was ready was saying I was ready for the idea of a child. I had no idea how hard pregnancy would be let alone know that trying so hard to have one baby would lead us to two at the same time.

The toll it takes on ones body, emotions and social life is ridiculous.

I use to think I had pretty good patience. Children have taught me that this is not always true.

I have cleaned so many diapers... maybe about 6-8 per child a day for the first 6 months = 2,688 diapers... then about 4-5 after 6 months = 1,680 so a nice total of 4,368. Granted Daniel has been fair in changing them when he is home and mom helping me out.
We spent about $1,000 dollars on diapers this year.

In the first 6 months the girls have had about 6-8 bottles a day. That's 2,688 bottles we made for the first 6 months. Now they take 4 a day so that 1,344 a total of 4,032 bottles plus some I'm sure.

We've given probably around 240 baths.

Gone through several socks, shirts, pants, pj's, dresses.

My computer shows that I have taken an estimated 4,451 pictures since the girls were born which I promise 99% are of the girls. That's about 12 pictures a day for the last 350 days. Kinda doesn't seem like a lot now.

Changed several sheets and have done countless loads of laundry.

I have spent every night (-2 for our anniversary) rocking a child in my arms for bed.

I have never slept so little and worked so hard in one year.
It's life altering. It changes a person...

Motives change, angles and perspective are altered.
I have never been so emotional and run down yet so joyful and in awe of the magic that happens from birth, to roll, to crawl, to steps, to learning their names and watching them grow to love us and each other as much as we love them.

I have different fears. I question myself in new ways. I pray different.

All I can do is pray that God teaches me to be a better parent that I was yesterday. That He give me better patience and understanding. Wisdom in my choices and how I parent. All I can do to be a good parent, is to trust in God and let Him teach me.

I have so many wonderful mothers I know who give me amazing wisdom and reassurance in what I do. I have encouraging sisters that share their expertise with me. My amazing mother who I try to follow her footsteps (as she is the best mother ever)
& of course my husband Daniel, who has been through every melt down, every tear, all the questioning I would have, and been through all the joys and awes.

& though I am blessed for all of these people, I can't help but think of God. Who knows me best, knows the thoughts of my mind, the dreams I have dreamt & the desires of my heart.

Even in the darkest of places in my life I found God not far but instead beside me. Always waiting. Always ready to lead me back to where I needed to be no matter how many times I strayed. He has been patient with me. He has always listened to me. He has always loved me and encouraged me. He has always been willing to take me back no matter how shattered or soiled my life -I was in perfect condition to accept back into His arms.
I have heard His voice and I have felt the warmth of His embrace.
He has taught me all I know, to be wise, to love, to have mercy and compassion.

These are the endless qualities I want as a mother. I want to be all these things to Lillianna and Rosalee. To always be accepting, to have great patience and ready to listen and understand.
Yet somehow to get the God fear instilled in them. Respect for me as I respect them.

There are endless qualities that God has as a Father that I want as a mother. And I want all His qualities.

Praying isn't always easy.
Though it is the easiest thing one can do.

God is only a thought, a breath away or kneel away.
I need to pray more and more. To be taught His ways.

The perspective I now have is this:
I am not a good mother, but God has chosen me to be the mother of these two girls. So I am a potential good mother. How I allow God to use me and teach me to be a mother will determine how good of a mother I can potentially become.
Perhaps amazing, perhaps radical, perhaps inspiring, perhaps... everything these children need.
I have a faith that I can be that. Because God had faith in me when He decided I was the best woman to be these girls mother.

One year is almost down and I have a lifetime to go.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Snuggles and Twins

The girls are 9 months old and just keep growing.

It's incredible how not that long ago they were stationary and I had to work so hard to keep them content in their stationary ways. But now they are crawling and climbing and finding their own things to entertain themselves.

I really miss when the girls were first born they were so cuddly. All they wanted was to snuggle into my neck.

I took that time for granted.

It was hard being sleep deprived and starving trying to care for two tiny babies at the same time. I was exhausted and Daniel and I discussed before the girls were born to not sleep while they slept on us. We were just nervous new parents afraid that they might get hurt cause we were out cold. So in order for them to sleep they needed to sleep on us and we couldn't sleep while they were on us we had to wait till they were not on us which meant we never got sleep. We sacrificed our sleep for theirs and the only time I ate was in the evening when people from church brought us food.
So when the girls nuzzled into our chests it was hard to sometimes admire and appreciate their sweetness. It was such a rough first 2 months. And I wish I could go back in time and just cuddle them again and really take in their innocent sleeping faces.

Now here they are at 9 months and these girls hardly ever sleep on us. They might on Daniel. I tell him he must be much more comfortable than me as they fall asleep on him more often that me.

They have begun though to crawl to me, climb me and then rub their faces into my chest and lay there for a moment. It's the new way they show they are tired.

They always do it at the same time though.

So Rosalee may start her way towards me, Lillianna notices and begins her way to me too, then it turns into a race... both babies crawl with dust in their trails and both try to climb me at the same time and both try to snuggle into my chest. It's hard not to laugh. It's super cute and it's like a little competition to get to me first.

I was reading their milestones I get sent in my inbox from baby center. It explained that at this age children may notice other children but wont actually interact with them and will not interact with other children till about 2 yrs old. Basically they will sit and play but not actually care for or play with the other.

I understand that the girls don't and probably wont for a while yet understand the concept of playing and sharing a toy and expressing imaginative stories.

But the whole not interacting thing is just not my girls.

They follow each other everywhere, whatever one climbs the other climbs, if one plays in their pool of balls the other dives in, if one sees the other doing something interesting they are usually there with them in seconds, they get frustrated when one or the other takes what their playing with away and sometimes they express frustration before their sister gets to them knowing they're coming for their toy lol
They crawl up to each other and call out, like for instance today Lilly was laying on her favorite pillow (it's Rose's favorite too) and Rose crawled up to her and sat down in front of her smiled and cooed to her. Lilly poked her head up and cooed back, they smiled and cooed back and forth with secretive baby mumblings and Rose began to crawl away and Lilly began to follow.
We just watched in joy as they discussed what seemed to be a plan of action. They always want to be near each other, they always talk and giggle in their cribs together. Already I see a bond forming that is truly special and unique.

I of course went to check online about mom's experiences with twins and how they interact with one another as compared to other children. Every mother expressed the same thing, beginning at 4 months many twins started to interact with each other in big ways. One mom explained that her two girls were 2 yrs old now and hold hands all the time. My heart melted with the thought of our girls walking hand in hand - oh so cute!

I truly feel blessed having twins. It was SO hard in the beginning and kind of a weird dream to think back to now. It was rough and the hardest thing I had ever done, emotionally, physically, mentally... it was ridiculous. I had no clue what I was getting myself into. But you sow what you reap, I sowed lots of brutal and difficult hours and have reaped plentifully.

I couldn't imagine having just one. I know nothing different. I am so in love and amazed watching these children flourish. I admire their relationship and it's special qualities. I am sooooo happy to have both girls in my life. Twins are a beautiful thing.
I love being their mother and watching them blossom. My sweet beauties.

God truly knew what He was doing to have us wait (impatiently) to have children- I am so glad and happy with His plan.

All I can do now is pray I be the best mama I can be to my baby girls.

Friday, August 26, 2011

8 months, a bite of sweet (& sometimes sour) life.

In Awe::
Twins are so amazing.

They have someone every step of the way in their life. They have a partner in crime, someone to always hug, an ear for their deepest secrets.
They have a best friend created right beside them.

It feels very magical.
& I get to be their mom.

Today my sweet daughters are 8 months old.
So many things have seem to happen already. From helplessness to dependence.

Lilly wants to do it all herself, climb everything, crawl everywhere. Attempt to stand on her own, she seems to think she is unstoppable. Though she has a big personality and is sometimes a handful she loves her mama and daddy.
If she falls she wants a cuddle or a hug. She wants to be where ever we are still and looks for us constantly.
She is in LOVE with her daddy. He stepped out of the room for about a minute and when he walked back in Lilly had a fit to be held by him. As if that 1 minute was 1 year.
I love seeing her love on her papa. She sweetly drifted in to sleep last night in his arms (hasn't slept on us in months!)
She adores him. & daddy adores her.
She unfortunately decided that since she can self feed finger foods to herself that she doesn't want to be fed baby food anymore. I am working on making my own much healthier baby finger foods to attempt to get her nutrition and full.
Her third tooth is now showing a little whens she smiles

Rose is trying her hardest to start crawling and watching Lilly closely. It's amazing that as soon as they start crawling, they learn to sit up from a laying position or any position I guess on their own & they automatically want to climb everything. It's a bundle of new things learned.
Rose is moving across the floor and both girls love to smile and squeal at each other.
She has become VERY fond of baby food and downs it. She questions finger food and other things by poking it. She pokes everything.
I think she is more of a mama's girl. She doesn't need me to hold her but wants me near. Occasionally she wants to just sit in my lap for a little bit then off to play with toys. Daddy is her playmate and so is Gracie. Daniel gets her laughing & gracie only has to walk by her to get Rose to just hoot in laughter.
She has two little teeth with a small gap in between.

My family came into town over the last couple weeks. My two sisters, a husband and a total of 5 children under the age of 5.
It was what I guess the best way to describe it 'a zoo'
I enjoyed our loud crazy moments with all the kids and enjoyed our solitude moments of the just the sisters or cousins & sisters, or I guess just everyone over the age of 13.
It was very different for my girls to be whisked away daily to stay the day at my mom & dad's house to squeeze as much time as i could with my family. I appreciate my daughters allowing me to do this.
Lillianna didn't seem to mind much as long as I was near by and she can climb things. Rosalee on the other hand wasn't to keen with being constantly surrounded.

It's as if for the two weeks they were somewhat separated, or distracted maybe. they acted like it when we were home alone for the day on Monday. They cooed and squealed at each other and seemed to want to be close. Rose watched Lilly with excitement as she crawled like she hadn't notice this ability before then. Rose's determination to crawl seemed to have just appear over night.
I believe she is getting there, and soon I will have two crawling babies roaming the floors and climbing the walls.

I feel like I have learned so much and in less than a year. My girls are teaching me, I am teaching them and we are growing together.
I don't care for people telling me how I should do this or that with them (unless I ask for advice) perhaps its just the way it's given sometimes. Random take it or leave it advice- that's okay, the point of a finger and direct lecturing to- grrrr! Or explaining to me who they are or their actions- as if I didn't know my own children.
& I hate when I am out and about with them and people proclaim it's 'double trouble' or 'double the work'
it's double the investment and double the pay back in smiles.

Peoples just seem to be on one side or the other, either they THING they know it all and proclaim with their bloated head or on the other side they are still learning or know better and share their humble knowledge.
Thanks humbled knowledgeable people!
I am thankful for the fact I have more of the latter people and mostly strangers with bloated heads.

Regardless, I can complain all I want, these people aren't going anywhere. All I know is, I am their mother, God chose me to be their mother so guess what? I am God's top pick for these kids so anything you have to say against what I do as a mother, your saying it against God. There is no better mama than me for these gems.

Back to my girls::
Lilly has gone on strike. No baby food. She occasionally takes yogurt but besides that she wants only mum-mums, cheerios and puffs. Only things she can do herself. Little miss independent.
SOOOO I am on a mission, to make and bake as much as I can healthy finger foods that she will like. Then she can feed herself all day long. I tried these banana applesauce muffins. She likes to mush it up in her hands, take a few bites but I'm hoping it grows on her. Next up is broccoli cheese nuggets. I think I might eat them myself.
Hoping she takes to it.
Rose on the other hand is opposite. Loves the baby food, is taking to it great. Does NOT like to self feed except if it's big enough- no cheerios or puffs- she pokes them all the day long. Mum-mum and crackers she can handle... sorta.
She doesn't really like touching things... it's cute and funny. But my muffins... she squeezes the mess out of them too. Tastes it here and there but the feel of it is more appealing than the taste right now I guess.
Thankful though she takes food like a champ.

Life is good. I have a fantastic husband & father to the girls and I have two amazing children.
I really feel blessed that I got two at the same time.
YES it's work & YES it's been hard here and there... but again I am getting a hefty payback. Smiles, laughs, cuddles, watching them each day grow and learn something new, seeing the world as something new and receiving love love love.

I enjoy every moment, I enjoy learning. I love being a mom and learning how to best mother these girls with their very different personalities and needs. I enjoy sharing my knowledge if asked. I am no perfect woman, wife or mother. But I do have the perfect Mentor to be these things. I pray God keeps teaching me to be everything this family needs me to be.

The End:::

Saturday, June 4, 2011

5 months

IIIII can't believe how blessed I am!

My baby girls are so amazing, beautiful and now 5 months old.

As Daniel and I were putting them to bed we kind of back tracked a little. 5 months ago was the beginning of the hardest thing I'd ever do in my life and do for the rest of my life. Not that long ago they were so much more helpless, bundled into balls sleeping on my chest. They are diamonds, precious rubies, gorgeous gem stones.

I was putting pictures in frames (now that I feel like I have more time) and held their tiny footprint that the hospital took when they were born and I placed them in a frame with their very first picture, wrinkly, confused, wet beautiful babies. They look so much older now.
I also cleaned out their clothes and began to separate what still fits, what doesn't fit and pulled out things they will fit in soon. I was pulling out 6-9 month clothes to begin using! How in the world did this happen? I then realized I was clinging onto their 0-3 mo & 3 mo clothing. In my mind they are still 3 months. It took them 3 months to finally fit into their newborn and actually outgrow their nb clothes that when i finally got to 0-3 I figured it would talk just as long. But they outgrew that stage much quicker than I anticipated my mind is still in 3 month mode. It occurred to me today as I cleaned out their 'doesn't fit' stuff that 0-3 doesn't fit because they are 5 months old! What the?!
THEN we have a pack n' play that sits in our living room, the girls slept in that for their first month of life and well into the second month. We still use it for the changing table and ended up using it just to keep extra clothing, blankets and such. We decided to move the changing table in their room into the living room instead as we change them down here only anyway. So we put the pack n' play away. EVEN MORE BITTERSWEET!!! BOO HOO I wanted to cry!!

Life is so different, I use to think I had hardly any time and I was so wrong. Now I wonder what I did with all that spare time & if I have time I sometimes feel clueless with what to do with it.
But it's amazing how two little tiny people can make such a beautiful impact into a life.

Their personalities have sprung into different directions, they have surprised me as I thought Rose would be my out there loud and proud baby and Lilly would be my timid quiet baby. It was this way at first but it has truly switched.

Lilly has found her voice and what I call a 'mean yell' she expresses when she is frustrated like when she tries to 'eat' my face and actually can't. She opens up in crowds cooing and she is extremely observant, staring people down. She smiles all the time, a 'side smile' and quickly nibbles on her fists and fingers. She loves to bounce in her jump-a-roo and eat the chair while in it. She needs constant attention to be happy, she rolled belly to back first and is very good with her hands. She grabs anything she can & always wants the next best thing. She's sort of my diva hahaha.

Rose smiled and laughed first, she is easy to entertain. She laughs at about anything, like she has a laughing spell and the ceiling fan makes her hoot in laughter. She shuts down in crowds as she rather be in a small group. She enjoys attention for a bit but will fuss to just be left alone, she talks to herself for a while in her crib when she wakes up, every time. She likes to try and sing a long with me. She discovered if she is bounced or even patted to be burped, if she makes a long enough tone it sounds funny during the bounce and burping. She was first to roll from back to belly and she holds the upper half of her body up with arms and hands facing in like a little bull dog- so cute.

They both enjoy their bath time and wiggle insanely when they see their bottle. They both stop whatever their doing, crying or fussing as soon as they hear The Backyardigans theme song. They grab for each other in curiosity and for attempting to eat the other (Lilly) they lock hands often and smile at each other with a sense of a bond.

I love my little girls. I am incredibly proud to show them off and let the world know these are my girls.
Beautiful and different, stunning.

I could talk about them for hours. They look like what I would imagine angels to look like in a sense of beauty and perfection.

I have TWO babies, TWO. That still boggles my mind. Raising two at the same time, with different wants, needs, and personalities. It's the most wonderful job I've ever had.

Motherhood is magical and enchanting. It is overwhelming and hard. It is sweet and pure.
It's something I'm all together still learning and figuring out and I'm okay with that <3

Saturday, May 7, 2011

The Shots, the Sleep & the Schedule

I do not like shots.

I don't mind them much for myself but for my girls... I HATE them.
First off watching their sweet faces coo right before makes me feel so guilty, like my smile is tricking them, they have no idea it's coming. Then I have to see their poor little faces turn bright apple red and hope they catch their breath again from their silent squeal.

There is a calm in between, they sleep for the next twenty-four hours a lot! But then comes the storm, the fevers. They both get fevers and both get incredibly fussy and both cry & cry & CRY.

We had a tough week with the girls after Mondays 4 month shots. Lilly weighed in at 12.11 1/2 that's 6 lbs that she gained since birth, Rose weighed in at 13.7 that's 6 1/2 lbs that she gained. They are doing great! After the shots though.. it's a different story.

I struggled with them not sleeping through the day through out the week and their nights fell apart from lack of sleep through the day.

They had been doing decent, as they would sleep from 8-9pm to 5-6am, I moved their bed time up cause they were obviously tired & slowly their wake up time was changing from 5am, to 4am, to 3am... 2am... then one night I got them to bed a bit late and Lilly woke at 12am. I knew at that point it wasn't hunger waking her it was that no one was holding her that bothered her. She would sip on an ounce of milk then pass out in our arms, drifting back into sweet baby dreams like she never fully woke at all.
I decided to let her Cry It Out (CIO) the books and most places online CIO shouldn't be just leaving them in their cribs and never returning to tend to them, but to continue through the night entering their room to soothe them back to sleep. So as a means of a transition we would go & just soothe her or Rose (who rarely would wake).

It worked pretty well at first but again slowly backslid to us constantly in their room soothing them.

Then the shots came, they didn't sleep well which made their night pretty bad then the next day their sleeping was worse and then night was a disaster. Lilly cried for HOURS. It was terrible. She sounded like she was in pain, in fact she sounded like Rose within her first few weeks of life because of reflux. Lilly always seemed to have some reflux but nothing like Rose. I mentioned the nights hardship to a few nurses and work who after some questioning determined she had reflux too. So I asked her doctor, who conveniently is my boss as well (easy access) who also felt Lilly's minor reflux was peaking and started her on meds too.

The next day tho I fought them to sleep, and realized I just DON'T have a set schedule for them. If I gave them consistency I knew happy snoozes were on the way. But I had NO idea where to start. They kinds made their own schedule as I followed their cues, Rose slept more Lilly always seemed hungry. I never came up with a schedule, especially for two different babies. After an afternoon of fighting them to take an after lunch nap for THREE hours I did what any normal mama in my situation would do. Cry. BUT THEN! I sent out for help from my sisters and best mama friends.
Thankfully they each were quick to respond to my cry for help, each had different & similar thoughts.

You know what I love LOVE about these women as I probably mentioned before? Is that they don't say, 'this is what you're doing WRONG' in no way did I ever get a put down but praise and encouragement, they gave me examples of their own experiences/schedules and knowledge and from each of their amazing words my husband and I came up with our plan of action.

I was with them on Friday and decided it was the best time to start, no one else would have their hands in the mix that day. It's AMAZING how receptive they are to a schedule, to ME calling the shots. Well I mean it wasn't perfect, they fussed and cried when they had to stay up & fussed when I laid them down.
I changed two things when I laid them down for naps, I said, 'It's nap time, sleep well' & 'I love you' kissed them and left, the second thing I did was not go back.

They did great the first time, after there was some protest. I was determined for their own good and for them to sleep again and to see them happy I would have to do this. I looked at the time and knew I had an X amount of time till I can get them, till then they can sleep, whine, fuss or cry but that was their nap time, & with knowing there was no going back to check on them constantly & feeling like a failure when they wouldn't sleep from my soothing, I just did things that needed to be done for a long time.

I cleaned, I washed, I napped, I ate.
It's incredible how these simple things feel like giant obstacles far worse than a giant ball rolling towards you in a cave- Indiana Jones' couldn't handle these adventures.
In fact I expect the greatest of praises & a medal if possible, I'll even accept a trophy when I tell someone what I accomplished in a day these days. Especially from my husband, its usually not ecstatic excitement I get but he totally gets it when he is watching the girls alone.

Day 1 with their schedule did wonders, they slept like champs that night from 7-6:30am. Getting that daytime sleep was the perfect antidote for a nights rest.
Day 2 turned out great too! Even better with Daniel home.
We are so thrilled to see them happier and feeling like we all have structure.

Only thing is I can't just go out whenever, my life now revolves around their schedule. I barely made it out today to see a friend for her birthday, I don't think we even spent a half hour there :/
but social life is second now and I'm okay with that. I love being a mom!!
& my friend will be a mom soon and will soon lose her social life as well... lol kidding Ann!... not really..

This all may still be premature saying it's perfect, but it feels that way now!

I am so thankful for my family & friends. God truly places the right people in my life.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Your Opinion & Mine

Everyone has an opinion.

I knew this already but it kinda punches you in the face when you have a baby(ies).

Every mama believes she is right. & she is. For HER baby.

What bothers me is when a mama thinks because she raised her child her way that everyone should have their child raised to the tea like hers & is overly expressive of this.

I know, I admit I've felt like I knew better how to raise a child before I even had one (two). We're all so quick to judge that mama of a batting child screaming for a toy & sinking to the floor in the store. I always think, "That would never happen to me. My child will know better" or "If that were my kid..."
But if it was my kid, I'd be in the same situation, my child is having a possibly never before random fall out in the middle of a store & now every pair of eyes are zoomed in on me glaring with judgment as if they knew the in's & out's of me and my child. I don't have a fear of this happening anytime soon with two 3 month olds. But I do know that children are unpredictable.

Well my deal isn't really with these people yet.
It's when I go online to search a question, & I find a blog where a mom asks a similar question about her baby and as I scroll down through the replies I find almost 100% negative feedback. A mama is doing something that another mama didn't do, or she is not doing what a mama did and automatically they are wrong! Even if a mass amount of mom's are doing the same thing and a mama swims upstream they act as if some horrific crime has taken place and judgment must be passed on this terrible mother who by doctors orders is starting to give her 3 month baby some rice in her milk. (actually saw this happen to a poor mama on a blog)
Everyone threw sharp words that she was wrong. Apparently all these other mom's knew this mama's baby better than her or her doctor did.

I also found books incredibly annoying. It started when I struggled breast feeding and knew inevitably I'd end up going to formula. A few books I was reading seemed to condemned formula as I was trying to find out more information on it. They had chapters and chapters of breast feeding which was great but about a quarter of a page for formula saying breast milk is better try not to use formula THE END.
grrr... it's REALLY hard on a mom to read that when it's a painful losing battle your going through trying to breast feed. It's a very heart breaking feeling to not be able to create your child's perfect food. Or it was for me.

Then one book says swaddle your baby this way, another book says that way. Lay them half asleep into their crib, no lay them completely asleep in their crib. Let them sleep with you in your bed, NO don't do that! Don't feed them solids till 4 months, no no 6 months. You can start trying to set them a schedule now, no later, wait you didn't try sooner?

My thoughts are... everyone is right. But their right isn't always right for everyone else. So telling someone they are wrong- isn't right.

I really like getting advice though when I need it. I know a few AMAZING mom's like my mom of course. My two sisters and my friends from small group. I feel lucky & blessed for these women, because...
1. They are fantastic mothers
2. They don't push their idea's of what they did for their babies on me
3. They support me in my decisions
4. They love me and my family

My advice for a mama or soon to be mama, surround yourself with these type of women. That will support you and encourage you, give you advice when needed, not push ideas & ultimately love you and your baby.
Understand that deep down when a person gives you random unwanted/unasked opinions, deep down they mean the best even if it doesn't sound the best for you and your baby. (I am still trying to learn this)

& people be sensitive to a new mama or any mama about giving your opinion. Raising a child you adore and love with all your heart is still a very hard thing. Every baby is SO different as I can plainly see with my twins so it takes time to learn what is best, a mama doesn't want to feel put down when they are trying their best. And are doing their best.

The best thing a person can do for a mama is encourage her.


Sunday, March 6, 2011

A road to hope- getting pregnant

So in December of 2008 Daniel I decided to see a doctor to discuss about getting prepared to get pregnant.

In early 2009 we decided to start trying.

In that time it seemed my body decided to stop working.

In early Spring 2009 we saw the doctor again.

They had no idea why my body was doing what it was doing...

It is a really hard emotion to swallow, isn't it every little girls dream to become a mommy? Isn't that why we girls obsess over baby dolls?
I think us girls dream of three big things;
Of course there are other things but these seem to radiate the most;

1. To be a princess
2. To get married and feel like a princess
3. To be a mommy

To have no idea what is wrong with your body and NOT be able to get pregnant was the hardest thing to take in. It's an emptiness and loss that can't be explained, it's painful.

We began to try Clomid in hopes to jump start my body into doing that it needed to, we tried the lowest dose. I didn't get my period so we tested...
We went to the next dose up, I didn't get my period so we tested...
Then the next dose up... negative... negative... negative....
It's like being told no when it seems certain you're going to get a yes over and over and over again.

I cried. Every. Single. Time.

& there were a lot of times.

By the last month of 2009 we were told we'd have to go to a fertility clinic if the last pill didn't work. & so we went to a fertility clinic.

Early 2010.
I was so scared when I went in. My doctor had said they may have to check me for complications in my ovaries and see if I was even able to get pregnant at all.
I didn't want to be told we couldn't have a baby. I didn't want to hear my childhood dream and my adulthood dream was never going to happen.

I went into the fertility clinic shaking while my heart sat in my throat.
They called my name.... I stepped into a large office with a large desk, the walls covered in certificates. I sat across from the large empty cozy work chair holding my breath.
A gentleman walked in and introduced himself... sat... looked through paperwork in a folder quietly.

I waited.

He looked up at me and said... 'Ms Bence.'
I could have died.... Ms. Bence what? I'm sorry? It's unfortunate? It's Hopeless? Whaaat were his next words?!
"I don't see why a healthy young woman like yourself shouldn't be able to get pregnant. Your body only needs a jump start. We'll put you on some medication and after a couple tries your sure to be pregnant."

It didn't feel real. After a year of heartbreak my fix was a medication away??

He explained to me I would receive shots in the mail, I would insert the medication myself into either my stomach or thigh. I would take the lowest dose possible as I was a high risk of multiples (ha) I would have to go in every other day while on the medication and have a vaginal ultra sound done to check my ovaries and the growth of the eggs. Once an egg looked large enough to fertilize I would take a shot that night in the belly to make me ovulate it.

Oh... easy.

I remember when the shots came to my house. I was excited, nervous, anxious, DESPERATE.
I had gone to a class they held to teach me how to insert the shot into my stomach. I prepared the medicine in a shot with no problem. I had it under control!
Until I looked down with a needle in my hand pointed at my stomach and I got light headed.

I tried to not think about it but how could I NOT?! I was doing it! I got dizzy and clammy, I needed to sit. Sitting down would be easier... right? Nope, didn't help.

Daniel said he could do it... my husband who couldn't be in a doctors office for long even to go for me without getting queasy wanted to do the shot for me? & he didn't take the class! OMG NO.
But I couldn't do it myself and it had to be done.

I decided to lay on the couch, I grabbed a pillow and put it over my face. When Daniel asked why the pillow, I explained it was backup in case I opened my eyes so I wont be able to see.

I held my breath, said I was ready and tensed up ready to take the pain.
& I felt nothing!

it was so easy and I was so relieved.
We had to do it several more days in a row, I was not nervous the next day but Daniel had gotten quite sure of himself that when he popped that sucker in & out the second time it hurt! After that I was always slightly nervous though Daniel was very careful each time after that and I never really felt any pain.

It really stunk going to the doctor constantly getting a very uncomfortable u/s.
We saw my ovaries FILLED with eggs. They said I had tons they just didn't want to grow.
But slowly each visit we saw an egg growing. They measured and instructed me to go home and do more medication. Until finally an egg large enough to fertilize!
I was SOOOOO excited!

We did the ovulating medication and a couple weeks later I couldn't wait for my period to come I took a test!
I was nervous and excited. Daniel always wanted me to wait and see the result of the test each time I took one. So I did my thing and we both came back together, and there it was... another terrible negative! How could this be??! I bawled.
Then my period came & I bawled again.

I went back to the doctor and my egg didn't go anywhere. It filled with fluid and became a cyst along with a few other eggies. They told me I had to wait to do the meds again and I had to take birth control pills to help the cysts go away. A fertility clinic gave me birth control pills!

It was terrible. I was so heartbroken. (aren't you so glad you know the ending to this story?)

Spring 2010
I went and did it alllll over again, meds, shots, ultra sounds, the dose went up & the eggs grew much faster. I only had to do it a few days before they said that I had an egg that looked like by that evening it may be the right size to ovulate and that I should take the medication to do so.
I remember looking at the ultra sound and seeing the egg, and also seeing another egg quite close to it's size. The doctor said that egg wasn't the right size and only one looked like it MIGHT be ready.

So we went home, did what we had to do and two weeks later I decided not to jump the gun.
The day I expected my period... I tried not to think about it, but I didn't feel like my period was coming and when I got home from work Daniel asked if it came. I said no and I would wait till the weekend to test... it was a Wednesday.
Though over dinner we talked about it and Daniel thought why not just test.

I was scared out of my mind. I didn't want to see another 'NOT pregnant'
After a year of so much emotional turmoil and all the medication (they also had side effects that I suffered) the worst feeling is seeing that pregnancy test and seeing a big fat negative. A big fat NO.

I had gotten so angry seeing it for a year, angry thinking WHY?! I never questioned God, I was always afraid to. But I did, why God? Why do people who don't want to get pregnant who don't follow you get pregnant and I don't?! WHY.
I started to feel angry at God. And I decided to not talk to Him.

Which I almost tried before in my life and I laughed at the thought. It's like holding my breath and saying I don't need air. It's impossible. I needed God.
& even though I was angry I had to come to this conclusion:
Someday I will get pregnant and someday I will have a child. & I wanted to tell them I had faith and that it was God that blessed me. I wanted them to trust Him. So why couldn't I?

So why couldn't I have faith that this test would say something different?
I took the test and washed my hands quickly to hurry out so Daniel and I could see it together. It was an electronic test and it was blinking, it usually took a bit but this time, much sooner than usual from the corner of my eye it stopped blinking. I couldn't keep my eyes from darting to look at it.
My heart stopped, my mind blurred and I tried to take in what I saw. There was no 'NO' in front of pregnant. I picked it up and walked out of the bathroom. It felt like I wasn't controlling my body. I stood out in the hall upstairs staring at it.

Daniel looked up to me from down stairs and asked if I had taken the test.
I looked down to him and I said. "I'm sorry I didn't wait for you."
He looked confused and asked what it said.
I kept my eyes on him and said something that felt so unreal to say... "Pregnant"
Daniel ran upstairs to me as he had to see if for himself. & I repeated.... PREGNANT

With that I fell to the floor and I cried. I cried like no other cry in my life.

This is a feeling I will never be able to explain except through tears, only they can explain this emotion this hope finally achieved. How do you explain the feeling of making a life after so much of what felt like death as my heart broke with each test telling me no.

God finally decided it was time and I would soon find out why He had me wait. I guess me having one wasn't enough for Him. He wanted to teach me and reward me with double blessings.

That moment
will never be forgotten,

Monday, February 28, 2011

So Much Bigger than the Bunny Giveaway!

Click on this:

So Much Bigger than the Bunny Giveaway!

I have some incredible friends at work who have a devotional once a week and one week a friend leaf the group by talking about raising children.
It was impacting as she explained ways and ideas to bring God into everything in life. She did this as almost a gift for me when I was pregnant to prepare when I have kids of my own.

I did already start having ideas as to not let the worlds idea's of Holidays and it's entertainments cloud the beauty of Lord and the reason for Holidays like Christmas.

& here is this wonderful book written by a member of my church!

It is a great way to explore and learn together as a family what Easter is really all about.
It brings quality family time as you learn, grow and understand what the miracle of Easter it.

I have not yet read it, I hope to WIN it, but regardless I will get this book and share it with my two baby girls and make holidays like Easter much MUCH more exciting than just a bunny.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Sleeping, who does that?

I was not prepared.

You can think about it all day long, "I am going to be a parent, I am going to have a child."
"They will cry, they will poop, they will be up at night."
But thinking it doesn't do the real thing a lick of justice.

Having two babies who wake up into this world even though in the same womb were in very different worlds of sleeping habits.

I couldn't tell a newborn to sleep and teach them how to sleep or sleep train them.

I can imagine a new mom's heart drop when they think their child has fallen asleep and as they crawl exhausted back into bed hearing the croak of a cry peirce the air.

I am the same way except when I finally get one to sleep the other seems to not want to anymore and it's this game of trying to get two babies to fall asleep at the same time so they wake at the same time. Otherwise I end up with one baby always awake, always.
So my heart may drop but it's more of me stressing out to get the other to hurry back to sleep otherwise my other daughter will be waking up by the time this one falls asleep.

So in the beginning... Sleep was none existant, NONE.
My husband and I were up with one constantly and it was a miracle if they both slept at the same time for at least 5 minutes. 5 glorious, precious, sweet silent minutes.

I read everywhere I could, asking everyone I knew with children, when?!
When can I start sleep training? When will they start moving towards some sense??

Everything and everyone had a completely different answer from the other.
No one answer, the conclusion, is there isn't really one. We make our own.
Each baby is different, with their habits, feeding and awakefulness.
So the answer is different and it's own for every baby.
The only thing is I had TWO different babies at the same time! & these were my first.

I was so overwhelmed and anxious, when and how will these two fall asleep together at the same time?? I did try feeding them at the same time, but Rosalee sucked her bottle up like it was her last meal or like she's never eaten before and Lillianna seemed like she enjoyed the simple things like the taste of each drop squeezing through a warm bottle of milk onto her newly aquired tastebuds.
So I had Rose winning the race and having her lay milk drunk and ready for sleep while trying to get Lilly to stop admiring the bottle and actually drink it.

(slightly off topic) I also didn't think much of it till I compared back to when I tried breastfeeding, they were taking 1 to 1 & 1/2 hours to drink their milk. While breastfeeding they were on for 15-30 minutes.
I suddenly realized something wasn't right, why were they taking so long?
I felt maybe the 0-3 month nipple was too slow for them, the next size up was 3+
they were only about 6 weeks old. But I got the bigger nipple anyway, they'd be 3+ eventually anyway.
It took a few times cause the milk came so much faster for them that they gagged a few times, especially Lillianna who held milk in her mouth like swishing fine wine in her mouth and would forget it as there as she sucked again.
But after a couple tries they were drinking milk like champs and within a reasonable time.

With that changed feeding them at the same time and speed seemed easier, and them getting sleepy at the same time seemed much better as well.

The best part was at night when they woke to feed they both started to wake at the same time and drank so much faster it helped them back to sleep.
I figured them taking so long prior helped them to fully awaken and thus made it hard to get them back to sleep. We were up 2 to sometimes 3 hrs trying to get them back to sleep and by the time they did they were hungry again and ready to feed.

(back to the main topic)
I have found over the last two weeks that the girls didn't really need me to set them a schedule, they needed to set me my schedule.

I followed their lead.

I was constantly out and about. I'd have my mom or people come here or go to my parents, or out to the store. I thought the drive would help them sleep or the buggie ride would help them sleep. But all along it was interupting what long sleep they could be having.
Also being at my parents house was too busy and they were too overexcited to sleep.
They would get overtired and extremely fussy.

I began to stay home alone all the time in hopes it would make a difference.

& it surely did.

I was more focused and they were more at ease. I saw when they were tired and when to prepare them for sleep.
Suddenly before I knew it they had this routine, I just had to get on it.

I sleep train them my way, at my pace as well as paying attention to their ways to fall asleep and their pace for it.
A different baby, with a different answer.

It's still a struggle, one always wants to fight sleep.

But they are learning so quickly (though going through it daily seemed like a long process) how to sleep on their own.

The joy of having a long gap of sleep again can't be described.
I have found them moving quickly into a longer sleep period at night and less naps during the day. From 2-3 hrs to 4-5 hrs and now to 6 almost 7 hrs stetches. Yes I know a mother would be overjoyed for that amount of sleep, but me... I'm TWICE as much. To get two babies to do that together is nothing less of a blessing.

My lesson to learn, keep watching them, learning about them, and try as best I can to be patient. There are good nights and there are still bad nights.

All good things come in time.
Like sleep...

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Your Face is Colic

So... apparently babies cry.
& apparently out of the many babies in this world, some seem to cry a lot more
& even still out of the babies that cry a lot more there are those that cry even more still…

I found that my youngest by four minutes Rosalee seemed to be a baby that cried a lot, lot more.

It’s a natural things, for a baby to cry. How do they express discomfort? Hunger?
There is only one way. If they cry it’s for a reason, why else would a baby cry? Just because they feel like it??

Well apparently since it’s so common and so many mom’s want a quick answer as to why their little one is in distress and crying so much it just about drives the mother to madness, there was the scientific conclusion that it was something; so for sure it could only be defined- by a definition.

A definition of a number... 3
3 + 3 + 3 = the answer to a crying baby, which in conclusion the result and answer to this number riddle is- there is no answer at all!


Since there is no answer, yet so many women want an answer and weren’t getting it they came up with an answer that really wasn’t an answer at all! It’s mind boggling yet brilliant.

If your little one cries for 3 hours or more, 3 times or more a week starting around 3 weeks of age then your child is that! A child that cries for 3 hours or more, 3 times or more a week starting around 3 weeks of age! That is the answer!

Circle Of Loss In Crisis
I like that…

It’s called Colic---- 3
My thoughts’, 3 + 3 is 6 which is the devils number
6 + 6 = 12- which can be thought of the 12 days of Christmas
12 + 12 = 24.… my favorite number
24 +24 = 48 which 48 hrs is 2 days
2 divided is 1 and 1
And add the 1 and 2 together and what do you get….. 3 that’s right a circle of nonsense.

Well anyway!
Rosalee’s crying for over three hours more than three times a week - every night actually and started at around two weeks was terrible. Her crying was so bad it seemed like she was almost hurting herself, I think she was.

The crying she did wasn’t like her usually crying in the day, she’d fuss and whine but then it turned into what seemed like torture for her.
It was so hard to listen to.

I finally called the doctors office (they must be so sick of me calling haha & I work there) and told them that it has to be something, why would she cry like this everyday??
I went in and saw someone. They listened to my story and decided it could be milk protein allergy. Her body couldn’t and wasn’t breaking it down properly and was causing her pain. I was given formula that had the proteins already broken down for her and was sent on my way.

It was only an assumption but at least an answer rather than a circle of loss.

The first night was still bad, the second night was much less bad and after that… magic… a miracle. Since then she hadn’t done her ‘colic’ crying.
There was an answer. She didn’t just cry because - she cried for a reason!

My baby was in pain and all I could find when I looked up extensive crying was a circle.
An answer or threes.

I believe that colic is only a method of trying to explain away what people don’t have the answer to. It’s a quick and easy out.
It is also a snazzy way of getting retailers to sale their products in mass.

Stamp everything they have for babies with ‘helps with colic’ and a desperate mother who wasn’t given an answer dives in.

Go ahead, walk the baby isles in the stores, so many products use colic as a means to sale.

It’s a win for everyone. Except the baby. I urge any mother with a child who cries and can’t be soothed for hours to push for an answer. Give yourself and your baby rest!

This is all my opinion of course and of which I think I am right >:-P

Enjoy and hope you all find your answer!!

Saturday, February 19, 2011


I didn't quite experience a lot of hormonal emotions during pregnancy, I guess it waited to come out like a flood days after they were born.

It's a sudden smack in the face becoming a mother, and I got slapped twice.

These little people are unpredictable. I didn't know what they wanted and when they wanted it, they didn't know what they wanted and when they needed it. It was a huge guessing game while having books and people tell me what is right and what is wrong.

Breastfeeding- apparently is the only right way- correction, it WAS.
That was my biggest battle, it was enchanting and beautiful to breastfeed as well as exhausting and much much more painful than labor.

There is so much pressure on the issue of breastfeeding. I was well aware that there is nothing better and it served many purposes for them and me, I was also aware that almost every twin mother I knew/met (which is many working at a Pediatricians office) had done it.
So why couldn't I?
Because I just couldn't. & it made me angry to think people would judge me for it. It was hard enough to feel like I couldn't be the sole nourishment to my children as I also wasn't producing enough and had the guilt that I couldn't handle the pain, discomfort and was feeling the loss of intimacy with my girls- there were people and books attacking people like me.

I am so happy I had friends who breastfed exclusively and friends who didn't who encouraged me to do what was best for the three of us. What a blessing! I'm sad for mothers who don't have that.

Books get around to talking about doing formula, but it's a small portion and they start out by saying it's not the best. Perhaps it's not written intending to hurt and fuel a guilt trip but it does! There are no books that start by saying, 'Hey, it's okay if you don't breastfeed only or at all, there are millions or mothers who don't and millions of children who grow up just as healthy as a breastfed child. You're not alone. You're feelings of guilt and sadness as you lose your milk supply is okay to have. It's hard, but you do what you know is best for you and your little ones."
What I would pay for a book that reads that!

Mothers need constant encouragment! It's easy to feel down, exhausted and wonder if what I did was best, did I do right, am I doing right?

If you are a mom or are becoming one and need it.... you are a great mother, you do what you can, you do your best and take it one day one moment at a time. Continue to strive to be what you want to be as a mother, after a long difficult day, pause and love yourself for the mother that you are.
NO ONE is a better mother for your baby(s) than YOU.

I should write a book entitled, "You Are An AWESOME Mom"
I'll be rich

Welcome- Blog Post #1

Well here is my first attempt at starting a blog again, a very different blog where I am now older, married and recently added to my portfolio a MOM.

I still don't feel like a mother, but I feel like my girls are my daughters.
I love them, without a doubt more than I have ever loved anything in this world- besides my husband & God.

It truly feels like a new view of the kind of love God has for me, and for my girls. It's hard to imagine anybody loving my girls more than I do so trying to think how God does love them more than me and He has that same love for me is remarkable.

My little girls were born on December 26th of 2010, Lillianna was 5.11, Rosalee was 6.9, they are currently a day away from 8 weeks of age.
Incredible how time flies, but it has been the hardest 8 weeks of my life! Emotionally, physically & EMOTIONALLY.