Sunday, March 6, 2011

A road to hope- getting pregnant

So in December of 2008 Daniel I decided to see a doctor to discuss about getting prepared to get pregnant.

In early 2009 we decided to start trying.

In that time it seemed my body decided to stop working.

In early Spring 2009 we saw the doctor again.

They had no idea why my body was doing what it was doing...

It is a really hard emotion to swallow, isn't it every little girls dream to become a mommy? Isn't that why we girls obsess over baby dolls?
I think us girls dream of three big things;
Of course there are other things but these seem to radiate the most;

1. To be a princess
2. To get married and feel like a princess
3. To be a mommy

To have no idea what is wrong with your body and NOT be able to get pregnant was the hardest thing to take in. It's an emptiness and loss that can't be explained, it's painful.

We began to try Clomid in hopes to jump start my body into doing that it needed to, we tried the lowest dose. I didn't get my period so we tested...
We went to the next dose up, I didn't get my period so we tested...
Then the next dose up... negative... negative... negative....
It's like being told no when it seems certain you're going to get a yes over and over and over again.

I cried. Every. Single. Time.

& there were a lot of times.

By the last month of 2009 we were told we'd have to go to a fertility clinic if the last pill didn't work. & so we went to a fertility clinic.

Early 2010.
I was so scared when I went in. My doctor had said they may have to check me for complications in my ovaries and see if I was even able to get pregnant at all.
I didn't want to be told we couldn't have a baby. I didn't want to hear my childhood dream and my adulthood dream was never going to happen.

I went into the fertility clinic shaking while my heart sat in my throat.
They called my name.... I stepped into a large office with a large desk, the walls covered in certificates. I sat across from the large empty cozy work chair holding my breath.
A gentleman walked in and introduced himself... sat... looked through paperwork in a folder quietly.

I waited.

He looked up at me and said... 'Ms Bence.'
I could have died.... Ms. Bence what? I'm sorry? It's unfortunate? It's Hopeless? Whaaat were his next words?!
"I don't see why a healthy young woman like yourself shouldn't be able to get pregnant. Your body only needs a jump start. We'll put you on some medication and after a couple tries your sure to be pregnant."

It didn't feel real. After a year of heartbreak my fix was a medication away??

He explained to me I would receive shots in the mail, I would insert the medication myself into either my stomach or thigh. I would take the lowest dose possible as I was a high risk of multiples (ha) I would have to go in every other day while on the medication and have a vaginal ultra sound done to check my ovaries and the growth of the eggs. Once an egg looked large enough to fertilize I would take a shot that night in the belly to make me ovulate it.

Oh... easy.

I remember when the shots came to my house. I was excited, nervous, anxious, DESPERATE.
I had gone to a class they held to teach me how to insert the shot into my stomach. I prepared the medicine in a shot with no problem. I had it under control!
Until I looked down with a needle in my hand pointed at my stomach and I got light headed.

I tried to not think about it but how could I NOT?! I was doing it! I got dizzy and clammy, I needed to sit. Sitting down would be easier... right? Nope, didn't help.

Daniel said he could do it... my husband who couldn't be in a doctors office for long even to go for me without getting queasy wanted to do the shot for me? & he didn't take the class! OMG NO.
But I couldn't do it myself and it had to be done.

I decided to lay on the couch, I grabbed a pillow and put it over my face. When Daniel asked why the pillow, I explained it was backup in case I opened my eyes so I wont be able to see.

I held my breath, said I was ready and tensed up ready to take the pain.
& I felt nothing!

it was so easy and I was so relieved.
We had to do it several more days in a row, I was not nervous the next day but Daniel had gotten quite sure of himself that when he popped that sucker in & out the second time it hurt! After that I was always slightly nervous though Daniel was very careful each time after that and I never really felt any pain.

It really stunk going to the doctor constantly getting a very uncomfortable u/s.
We saw my ovaries FILLED with eggs. They said I had tons they just didn't want to grow.
But slowly each visit we saw an egg growing. They measured and instructed me to go home and do more medication. Until finally an egg large enough to fertilize!
I was SOOOOO excited!

We did the ovulating medication and a couple weeks later I couldn't wait for my period to come I took a test!
I was nervous and excited. Daniel always wanted me to wait and see the result of the test each time I took one. So I did my thing and we both came back together, and there it was... another terrible negative! How could this be??! I bawled.
Then my period came & I bawled again.

I went back to the doctor and my egg didn't go anywhere. It filled with fluid and became a cyst along with a few other eggies. They told me I had to wait to do the meds again and I had to take birth control pills to help the cysts go away. A fertility clinic gave me birth control pills!

It was terrible. I was so heartbroken. (aren't you so glad you know the ending to this story?)

Spring 2010
I went and did it alllll over again, meds, shots, ultra sounds, the dose went up & the eggs grew much faster. I only had to do it a few days before they said that I had an egg that looked like by that evening it may be the right size to ovulate and that I should take the medication to do so.
I remember looking at the ultra sound and seeing the egg, and also seeing another egg quite close to it's size. The doctor said that egg wasn't the right size and only one looked like it MIGHT be ready.

So we went home, did what we had to do and two weeks later I decided not to jump the gun.
The day I expected my period... I tried not to think about it, but I didn't feel like my period was coming and when I got home from work Daniel asked if it came. I said no and I would wait till the weekend to test... it was a Wednesday.
Though over dinner we talked about it and Daniel thought why not just test.

I was scared out of my mind. I didn't want to see another 'NOT pregnant'
After a year of so much emotional turmoil and all the medication (they also had side effects that I suffered) the worst feeling is seeing that pregnancy test and seeing a big fat negative. A big fat NO.

I had gotten so angry seeing it for a year, angry thinking WHY?! I never questioned God, I was always afraid to. But I did, why God? Why do people who don't want to get pregnant who don't follow you get pregnant and I don't?! WHY.
I started to feel angry at God. And I decided to not talk to Him.

Which I almost tried before in my life and I laughed at the thought. It's like holding my breath and saying I don't need air. It's impossible. I needed God.
& even though I was angry I had to come to this conclusion:
Someday I will get pregnant and someday I will have a child. & I wanted to tell them I had faith and that it was God that blessed me. I wanted them to trust Him. So why couldn't I?

So why couldn't I have faith that this test would say something different?
I took the test and washed my hands quickly to hurry out so Daniel and I could see it together. It was an electronic test and it was blinking, it usually took a bit but this time, much sooner than usual from the corner of my eye it stopped blinking. I couldn't keep my eyes from darting to look at it.
My heart stopped, my mind blurred and I tried to take in what I saw. There was no 'NO' in front of pregnant. I picked it up and walked out of the bathroom. It felt like I wasn't controlling my body. I stood out in the hall upstairs staring at it.

Daniel looked up to me from down stairs and asked if I had taken the test.
I looked down to him and I said. "I'm sorry I didn't wait for you."
He looked confused and asked what it said.
I kept my eyes on him and said something that felt so unreal to say... "Pregnant"
Daniel ran upstairs to me as he had to see if for himself. & I repeated.... PREGNANT

With that I fell to the floor and I cried. I cried like no other cry in my life.

This is a feeling I will never be able to explain except through tears, only they can explain this emotion this hope finally achieved. How do you explain the feeling of making a life after so much of what felt like death as my heart broke with each test telling me no.

God finally decided it was time and I would soon find out why He had me wait. I guess me having one wasn't enough for Him. He wanted to teach me and reward me with double blessings.

That moment
will never be forgotten,