This has been the most life changing year of my life.
Having a child calls for so much, saying I was ready was saying I was ready for the idea of a child. I had no idea how hard pregnancy would be let alone know that trying so hard to have one baby would lead us to two at the same time.
The toll it takes on ones body, emotions and social life is ridiculous.
I use to think I had pretty good patience. Children have taught me that this is not always true.
I have cleaned so many diapers... maybe about 6-8 per child a day for the first 6 months = 2,688 diapers... then about 4-5 after 6 months = 1,680 so a nice total of 4,368. Granted Daniel has been fair in changing them when he is home and mom helping me out.
We spent about $1,000 dollars on diapers this year.
In the first 6 months the girls have had about 6-8 bottles a day. That's 2,688 bottles we made for the first 6 months. Now they take 4 a day so that 1,344 a total of 4,032 bottles plus some I'm sure.
We've given probably around 240 baths.
Gone through several socks, shirts, pants, pj's, dresses.
My computer shows that I have taken an estimated 4,451 pictures since the girls were born which I promise 99% are of the girls. That's about 12 pictures a day for the last 350 days. Kinda doesn't seem like a lot now.
Changed several sheets and have done countless loads of laundry.
I have spent every night (-2 for our anniversary) rocking a child in my arms for bed.
I have never slept so little and worked so hard in one year.
It's life altering. It changes a person...
Motives change, angles and perspective are altered.
I have never been so emotional and run down yet so joyful and in awe of the magic that happens from birth, to roll, to crawl, to steps, to learning their names and watching them grow to love us and each other as much as we love them.
I have different fears. I question myself in new ways. I pray different.
All I can do is pray that God teaches me to be a better parent that I was yesterday. That He give me better patience and understanding. Wisdom in my choices and how I parent. All I can do to be a good parent, is to trust in God and let Him teach me.
I have so many wonderful mothers I know who give me amazing wisdom and reassurance in what I do. I have encouraging sisters that share their expertise with me. My amazing mother who I try to follow her footsteps (as she is the best mother ever)
& of course my husband Daniel, who has been through every melt down, every tear, all the questioning I would have, and been through all the joys and awes.
& though I am blessed for all of these people, I can't help but think of God. Who knows me best, knows the thoughts of my mind, the dreams I have dreamt & the desires of my heart.
Even in the darkest of places in my life I found God not far but instead beside me. Always waiting. Always ready to lead me back to where I needed to be no matter how many times I strayed. He has been patient with me. He has always listened to me. He has always loved me and encouraged me. He has always been willing to take me back no matter how shattered or soiled my life -I was in perfect condition to accept back into His arms.
I have heard His voice and I have felt the warmth of His embrace.
He has taught me all I know, to be wise, to love, to have mercy and compassion.
These are the endless qualities I want as a mother. I want to be all these things to Lillianna and Rosalee. To always be accepting, to have great patience and ready to listen and understand.
Yet somehow to get the God fear instilled in them. Respect for me as I respect them.
There are endless qualities that God has as a Father that I want as a mother. And I want all His qualities.
Praying isn't always easy.
Though it is the easiest thing one can do.
God is only a thought, a breath away or kneel away.
I need to pray more and more. To be taught His ways.
The perspective I now have is this:
I am not a good mother, but God has chosen me to be the mother of these two girls. So I am a potential good mother. How I allow God to use me and teach me to be a mother will determine how good of a mother I can potentially become.
Perhaps amazing, perhaps radical, perhaps inspiring, perhaps... everything these children need.
I have a faith that I can be that. Because God had faith in me when He decided I was the best woman to be these girls mother.
One year is almost down and I have a lifetime to go.